Test Tube Baby & The Amazing Technicolor Skin Coat

Go ahead and file this under “Ain’t That a Kick In the Twat!”

Jennifer Cramblett, 36, of Uniontown, Ohio, knows all too well the stigma and intolerance levied against people of diverse or minority backgrounds and orientations. Cramblett is an openly gay woman raised, by her account, “around stereotypical attitudes about people other than those in her all-white community,” that according to the lawsuit she has filed against her new-born baby daughter.

Artist's rendering of sperm delivery mix-up.

Artist’s rendering of sperm delivery mix-up.

Let me backtrack here:

Cramblett and her partner, Amanda Zinkon, embarked and their journey into parenthood in 2011. They worked through a sperm bank in Illinois, flipped through file after file looking for the perfect donor, and settled on a strapping suitor by the name of #380 – a Caucasian male with physical traits similar enough to the two women that the child would reasonably resemble the couple. The plan seemed good, the pregnancy took, and nine months later Cramblett gave birth to a healthy baby girl – or as Camblett calls her, “Payton, a beautiful, obviously mixed-race” baby girl.

Yep, someone grabbed #330 (black guy) instead of #380 (white guy) – an honest mistake, if you ask me; we’re all the same color in the test tube – Fed-Ex’ed it to the happy couple, and the events inspiring the forthcoming Rom-Com script I am tentatively titling “Spooge Swap” were underway.

Now, two years hence, the pair have opted to sue Midwest Sperm Bank for wrongful birth and breach of warranty, citing the emotional and economic losses she has suffered. The “emotional and economic losses” to which Cramblett and Zinkon refer – which they say total $50,000 – include having to drive to “a black neighborhood” to have Payton’s hair cut, relocate to a “racially diverse community with good schools” (God forbid), and cope with the “fears, anxieties and uncertainty” that come with having a child who is and will be stigmatized.  All of this according to the couple’s lawsuit.

OK, I certainly get that you might be a little irked on principle about paying for a specific product and receiving something other than that product. I think in this instance, the parents might warrant a refund or a buy one get one free offer from the spuzz repository. If it was me, I’d call ’em up, be upset but civil on the phone, and tell them we should keep it out of the courts, avoid the bad publicity, send my refund check (be sure that dweeb who grabbed #330 doesn’t address the envelope), and be done with it – move on with another day of happy parenting my super-awesome baby.

What I most certainly would NOT do is publically sue a company for giving me the wrong daughter – the heretofore-modern-miracle-of-science-baby that I would otherwise be biologically incapable of having – a daughter who I say makes me uncomfortable because of my shitty racist family and shitty backwater neighborhood, and who I bitch about because I am also incomprehensibly ignorant about basic hair grooming and modern schooling.

What these two are essentially doing is saying that if they had their druthers, the “beautiful” daughter they now have – thanks to the wonders of western medicine, mind you – would not exist and they would be happier holding a Wonder bre(a)d white kid.

That, mom and mom, is shitty. Downright shitty parenting.

Payton, if you get to read this, there are thousands of intelligent, eager, capable adoptive families that will love the color, sound, texture and smell that you are. And I’m sure they will take you anywhere you want to get your hair cut.

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