Name-Calling Next Step In Modern Warfare


Just two days removed from the glee of hustling down to the Christmas tree to tear into the shiny, colorfully wrapped boxes it guarded, President Barack Obama finds himself embroiled in a hissy fit with his on-again, off-again best friend, North Korean Super Outstanding Dictator Supreme with Extra Cheese, Kim Jong Un. Kim, or as he’s affectionately referred to by Mr. Obama, Jong-Dong Uny-poo, launched a massive dis at the President through an unnamed source at the official North Korean news agency saying, “Obama always goes reckless in words and deeds like a monkey in a tropical forest.”


Reports are sketchy whether this was the all-too-familiar fallout of an arranged play date or sleepover – you know kids, can’t wait to get there, can’t wait to leave – but the tirade by Uny-poo comes on the heels of someone breaking his really cool toy. The North suspects the U.S. and Obama because just days before, Jong-dong allegedly yelled at the President and told him he couldn’t watch his favorite movie. As there were no adults in the room at the time (they were upstairs making pizza rolls and “just taking two fucking seconds to have a smoke and get off my feet,” according to a source in charge of watching over the two), nobody is certain who broke whose toy, or who wouldn’t let who watch a movie.

The racially charged slam is not the first by the temperamental Kimmy. He once complained to his mom that Obama was “the shape of a monkey” and in a separate incident, was caught vandalizing the boys’ bathroom when he wrote that his next door neighbor, South Korean President, Park Geun-hye, was a “prostitute” in Sharpie pen.

The infantile skirmish, though exasperating to onlookers and constituents, is actually a welcomed advance in the nature of disputes between world leaders.

“Better they scream and kick and throw their toys than launch a missile or invade a country,” said a high-ranking North Korean official charged with making sure Jong-a-long eats all his vegetables before dessert.

Sentiments in the U.S. were similar. “I’ve got to say, they’re finally starting to use their words and hash things out one-on-one, instead of taddling to us, or launching drones, or pouting in the corner,” said one senior member of the cabinet, who, on behalf of the President, once asked Michelle Obama if she “liked him, liked him.”

It’s unclear whether the two will work it out and play nice, but if the future of warfare results in name-calling and time-outs from video games, then there are hundreds upon thousands of souls spared the horrors of traditional combat who affirm they would be willing to put up with the occasional temper tantrum.